Political Endorsemetabation

Well, reader, it’s Election time again, and I have a few thoughts about what I’ve seen.

We’ve all seen it, actually.

Not long ago you were doing Pilates/Step Aerobics/[insert New Year's Resolution exersize here], Bose Noise Cancelling headphones ablast’n, and you wondered, “The election is coming… What am I going to do with all this junk? My lovely lady lumps need a good candidate, damn it!”

And then it happened. On the TV, above the bitch with the headphone mic.

“Ah.” You thought. “That’s what I’m going to do with all this junk. My humps are voting for Obama.”

And that’s how it works.

Long, long ago, the Elite Political Strategists atop the foggy Bureaucratic Mountain turned over their Magic Eight Ball of Votation and the answer was clear…

“To win an election, you must be endorsed.”

And what are the most efficacious endorsements to the modern day voter?

Musicians/Actors/Celebrities, of course.

I mean, who hasn’t watched “The Shining” on the 3″ screen of their Zune and wondered, “Jack Nicholson scares the shit out of me,” and then, minutes later while cleaning your trousers, “But not as much as Terrorists… I wonder who he’s voting for?”

You see, reader, we’ve been there. We’ve pumped our iTunes influences into our limbic system, but we don’t really know how the other half lives, or more importantly, votes, because they don’t include that in the ID3 tag of their latest “iTunes exclusive track.”

Influence and in depth political knowledge are the boutique luxuries of the Privileged, dear reader. And the scraps falling from the table of the haute monde, in the form of voting endorsements, should fill into our gratuitous constitutional bellies. Or should they?

Obama, as we have seen, is endorsed by Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas… but big deal. He hasn’t had a hit this year. He’s not making the “waves” as they say in the “biz.” He isn’t the most current, hottest, or the most influential endorsement… there are better. Much better.

Who, you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Here’s short list of Celebs that somehow slipped through the cracks of “Political Strategy Endorsementabation”, but not The Attentive Social Antennae of The Punvert. (thankyouverymuch)

To YOU, oh, Influence Peddlers… it’s time to put the “Peddle to the Metal!”

1. Bono – I mean, duh. This man is all over the political planet, rockin his message of… Peace… and… Darfur Awareness Concerts. I mean, what the eff?! Where is his endorsement deal? Who is he voting for? People would love to know that! (And when can we get some damn concerts in Darfur? Those people are starving for good music over there, for effs sake! Jeez.)

2. Feist – Another “One Namer.” I mean, hello? Any marketing monkey will tell you, “One Namers” are totally good for business. You save, like, hella ink in printing materials. And she was just on a zillion TV sets all over the world for the latest iPod Commercials. Yeah, that’s right. ALL OVER THE WORLD. I said it. Voters from other countries would even vote for her candidate. I can see it now… Feist is all dancing in her spandex, looking all Feisty for the camera, singing, “1, 2, 3, 4, who the eff will stop the war? 5, 6, 7, 8, here’s my effin candidate.” I know. I’m a marketing genius.

3. Radiohead – Biggest band in the world, people. Biggest band. OK, Computer? Brilliant. (If you don’t have a copy of that record you’re probably reading this from Darfur. Or, Manteca.) And if Thom “thumbs-up” a candidate, they would win. I would bet my burned copy of In/Rainbows on that.

4. Michael Jackson – Sweet Jebus. The King of Pop? Does the sound of “Tee Hee” [insert crotch grab] mean anything to you? Well it does to the voters. Lots of voters! If he endorsed a candidate, forget about it. Election over. No hanging chads to worry about. (Just make sure that if he hangs with Chad, that Chad is over the age of say, 13, and we’re cool.)

I mean, must I go on? You get the point. And these are just a few musicians. Think of the influence of knowing who Gandhi’s gonna vote for? Yeah, I know. HUGE. That’s called thinking outside the box, people.

So there you have it. You want your candidate to win?

Get some eff’n huge endorsements, already.

Punvert, OUT!